Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
