maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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