You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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