I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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