Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he puts the penis in happiness.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
