mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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