I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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