I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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