Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
false alarm, still single
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