I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
