This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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