Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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