This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
