they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Pants are for mortals
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
