is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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