i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
