I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
All I want is dick and wine.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
