Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
