we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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