sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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