Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
