I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize