The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
