it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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