I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
