Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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