it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
