do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Randomize
