i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
