I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
