it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
