My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
