I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize
