I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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