anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
