I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
