you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
