the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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