hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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