This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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