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Fuck
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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