mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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