Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
