I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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