I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The adults are the big ones right?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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