Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
