Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
