I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
