I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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