We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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