I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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