he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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