I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
