I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
