well I can't set my house on fire every night
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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