woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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