Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
