I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You pole danced in your parka.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
